Too much has changed.

My family has a history with GD and yes, unfortunately I was diagnosed with GD at the age of 16 yrs old. I was badly affected by this illness, I can still remember those feelings while typing this post. This illness has been taking a ton on me since 16, too much side effects even if I was under medication. I experienced hands tremor, bulging eyes, heart palpitations, irregular heartbeat, enlargement of your thyroid gland and many more.. I was getting slightly better when I first visited my first Endocrinologist, Dr Gwee, who is my mom's doctor up to date. I put on so much weight and my face was as round as the moon, totally two different persons compared to the photo taken for my IC.

I felt so inferior with my appearance, so insecure to the stage that I don't even have the courage to fall in love with someone. Hey c'mon, everyone in the world judge each other with their appearance therefore who am I to love someone when myself has alot of flaws in additional with my illness.

I had hiccups along the way while trying to get my GD treated when it started to go haywire. I was advised not to go under the knife because I was too young. But surgery was the only choice when this illness goes out of hand. One of those random days,  my mom bought a Health & Fitness magazine about GD and this was how I found my current Endocrinologist, Dr Chia Su Ynn, she was pretty experience dealing with GD and she was kind of famous in this field. Booked an appointment with her and told her about my situation. As for my circumstances, she suggested I should choose surgery since my illness had gone out of control.

After so many years of suffering, this year March I finally had my entire gland removed. Everyone was asking me how was I feeling when lying on the operation table. 'I wasn't feeling anything, yes, nothing.' this was exactly how I replied. My replied may sounded kind of rude but this was exactly how I was feeling. I felt no fear when I was in the operation theatre because I always wanted to get rid of my affected gland. This was exactly what I wished for since I got striked by this illness, you can never imagined how much I wanted to get rid of it. I doubt nobody can really understand.

I remember asking one of my friends who was going to get herself inked.

Me: Are you serious to get yourself ink? Its going to be real painful man.

R: You won't feel the pain because all along this was what you wanted.

-

Yea, I can finally understand how she feels. Being so determined to the point that you aren't afraid of the pain you are going to face.

I heard quite a few comments made by my friends and relatives ever since I got my gland removed. Yes, I know my appearance was slightly changed to a better stage when my eyes are not as bulging as before and some changes which I have no idea how to put it in words. 

This illness has caused me to changed so much- from character to appearance. I know how much I have changed. And at least I embrace the changes in my life and in me. Highs and lows are a part of the process. These feelings have been described as waves that sweep in uncontrollably.

I don't know what triggered me to post my own fear in this space.  Have a good weekend ahead(: